Pain. Everyone has experienced some form of it. It stops you in its tracks. It can be life altering or just momentary. But to whatever degree you experience it; it always leaves its mark. It is memorable. Sometimes the marks are clearly defined like scars on the wrists or hands. Sometimes the marks can’t be seen by the naked eye, leaving behind internal scars on our minds and on our hearts.
For our soldiers who have come home from war many carry with them these internal scars, we now call it PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder. These internal scars sometimes don’t heal as easy as the external ones because they are often hidden. This hidden pain can become like a regular friend becoming a normal part of day to day life. And that can stunt our growth. The pain can keep you stuck, keep you from becoming who Jesus wants you to be. That pain can keep you from living joyful and abundant lives in Christ. It can even hold you prisoner and turn you away from God, causing you to blame Him for your pain.
I know this kind of hidden pain first-hand, and I lived it out in my life for many years. When I was eighteen, my parents divorced. I was broken into pieces and resembled little of the person God intended me to be. I spent my whole adult life (until I was saved at age 37) searching for a man to love me. My sexual promiscuity led me down an unhappy path through a series of monogamous relationships with more addicts who always loved their addiction more than me. I became pregnant from one of these relationships. When the father didn’t want the baby, I chose to abort my baby. I suffered from severe depression also, and I thought about killing myself more than once to just end the cycle of pain.
I held it all together though because I once again at thirty years of age became pregnant. I was a high school teacher by then and decided that I could raise my baby without the father. I bought a home and settled into a relatively quiet lifestyle as a single mom and teacher.
But the problem was that the pain was still there…it didn’t go away. It wasn’t until I started attending church on a regular basis (a teacher friend had invited me to her church) that my life began to change. The pain was still there, but Jesus had saved me and God was working this pain out of my life. I entered a recovery program at my church called Celebrate Recovery. It was a 12-step program that helped me realize that I was codependent and was always trying to save, fix, and control other people. God was working on me, healing me slowly but surely.
What I learned through all of this is that only God can save us through His redemption. Only through a relationship with Jesus could I be forgiven and healed. But I had to be willing to be raw with God. I had to let God break down the walls I had so carefully built up. Because Jesus was willing to take on the sins and pain of the world, I could be washed clean and free in Him. I didn’t have to stay broken, in chains. I could have freedom in Christ if I was willing to let God take control and make the changes in me that He wanted. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 ESV). I didn’t have to feel guilty anymore for my actions. When He saved me, He set me free!
I had to stop trying to steer the wheel. God was in control, and I had to trust Him completely by letting Him take full control over the path of my life. I had to trust that He loved me so much that He always planned the best for me no matter how bad things seemed at the time. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). I had to understand God’s goodness on a profound level to believe that no matter how bad things seemed in my life, God could take whatever it was and make it good.
God has redeemed me in many ways. God has redeemed my abortion through my blog and work that I’ve written to help others through abortion recovery. He has given me three beautiful children to mother and to love. He has redeemed my sexual promiscuity through giving me a marriage intended for holiness, a marriage that would honor my body not destroy it. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV).
Jesus sits at the right hand of the father in heaven ready for an intimate and loving relationship with us. It is truly up to YOU to allow grace to enter your life. It is a gift that you have to be willing to receive. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17 ESV). Grace, love and forgiveness are waiting for you at the foot of the cross in Jesus Christ’s arms. Will you receive it today?
Be Blessed,
AllisonD
